We asked our members for their top tips on coping with grief. Although we’ve all been through it, everyone has had a different experience and has learned to process their thoughts and feelings in different ways.
Some people reported having a lot of support and others had very little of the type of support they needed.
The most important thing to remember is that you can’t compare your grief with others. Your experience will be different to everyone else’s. Unfortunately people might try to compare their grief with yours, or offer unhelpful advice or observations, like “You should have moved on by now”.
We want to share these tips to give you some ideas – pick and choose the ones that work best for you and that bring you comfort.
Here are our top 20 tips for coping with grief:
1. Allow yourself the time and space to grieve
It is important to allow yourself to feel your emotions, even the difficult ones. Don’t try to suppress your grief or pretend that you’re not feeling anything. If you need to take time out to think over your feelings, don’t feel guilty – just do it.
“I felt like I needed to be ‘on top’ of everything and just keep moving. This brought some comfort in the early days but as time went on, I got so burnt out. At around the 3 month mark, I hit a real low point and had to stop and work through what I was feeling and learn how to face going forwards without just ignoring my wife’s death. It was really difficult but in hindsight it was necessary.” – David, United States
2. Talk about your loss with someone you trust
Talking about your grief can help you to process your feelings and to feel less alone. This could be with a friend, family member, therapist, or grief counselor. If you don’t have someone to talk to, try writing your thoughts and feelings down in a journal or a letter.
3. Take care of yourself physically
Make sure to get enough sleep, eat healthy foods, and exercise. Take naps, rest when you need to and make sure your health is attended to by a professional.
4. Look for ways to manage life admin
Bereavement and grief are not only exhausting but they come with a massive new to-do list. Look for any opportunities to cross things off your list or delegate them to others.
Some things simply don’t need to be done till later – make a list of them so you don’t forget, but give yourself space to leave them be for now. Use social media to share brief updates, rather than replying to everyone individually. Ask people to do specific tasks to take them off your list.
5. Find healthy ways to cope with your grief
This could include journaling, creative expression, spending time in nature, or talking to a therapist.
6. Honour your loved one’s memory
This could mean keeping a photo of them in your home, telling stories about them, or doing something that they loved to do.
7. Allow yourself to grieve at your own pace
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone experiences grief differently and there is no set timeline for how long it will last. You don’t need to explain yourself or justify your process to others. They may have expectations that you should be feeling better by a certain point, but this is their mistake – not a reflection of how you’re doing. Take your time.
“It took me a long time to come to terms with my divorce. There was a lot of complex emotion involved. My friends were kind and tried to snap me out of it, or distract me with getting out of the house. It did reach a point where some people got a bit sick of me being lost and listless and I felt I needed to put on a brave face to be around them, and act like I was doing well. Really I think I needed more time and it was wearing on people’s patience with me.” – Amy, Australia
8. Be patient with yourself
Grieving is a process and it takes time. Be patient with yourself as you heal. You may need to remind others to be patient as well, or keep a little distance from people who don’t understand this. There may be days when you are feeling more on top of things, and other days when things feel difficult. This doesn’t mean you’re not making progress! Tough days are part of the process. Keep going!
9. Don’t compare your grief to the grief of others
Everyone’s grief is unique. Don’t compare your grief to the grief of others. Try to ignore it when other people do this and don’t take it to heart.
Sometimes people can say unhelpful things about what you’ve been through, and it can feel like your loss is being downplayed or compared to other things. This can leave you feeling awful and often stuck or misunderstood. Please don’t take things like this onboard – think of it as someone else’s way of coping or understanding, but not a reflection on you or what you’re going through.
10. Avoid using alcohol or drugs to cope with your grief
These substances can numb your emotions and maybe make you feel better in the short term, but they can make your grief worse in the long term, and cause other health problems that you don’t need.
11. Carefully consider major decisions or changes
Ideally we would all have plenty of time to grieve before making any major decisions, such as changing jobs or moving. However, if you really do need to make a change, consider it fully and make sure you’re protecting yourself as you do so.
“When my husband died, uninsured, I could no longer afford the mortgage on our house. Lots of people said “Don’t make any major decisions too soon” but this one had to be made, and quickly before all my money ran out. I didn’t want to talk to people about the financial aspect so I arranged moving to rent a cheap apartment. I know there was judgement about moving “too soon” but they didn’t know how necessary it was.” – Annie, United Kingdom
12. Consider attending a grief support group
Grief support groups can be a great way to connect with others who are going through the same thing. Sometimes they will be a fantastic comfort, and other times they may not click with you and you will find the group unhelpful. Don’t feel you need to stick it out in the wrong group, or if it is making you feel worse.
13. Read books or articles about grief
There are many helpful books and articles available that can offer support and guidance. Some people find that during grief, they want to read everything – and gather all the stories and advice they can that resonates with them at the time. Other people find reading about grief and bereavement to be confronting and would prefer to avoid it. Read as much as works for you.
14. Seek professional help if you need it
If you are struggling to cope with your grief, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist or grief counselor can help you to understand your grief and to develop healthy coping mechanisms. If you try talking to a professional and it is not helpful, it is important to try and find another therapist/counsellor/doctor that works for you. They all have different approaches and one therapist’s approach is not a reflection of all of them. Keep looking until you find the right match that can provide you the support you need.
“I did not click with my first counsellor. They told me I had to focus on moving on and thinking about the future ahead on my own. I think they were right in some ways, but it was too soon for me to hear this. I actually ended up seeing three different counsellors before I found someone that really brought me comfort.” – Cam, United Kingdom
15. Do things that make you happy and bring comfort
Find activities that you enjoy and that make you feel good. Doing things that you enjoy can help you to take your mind off of your grief and to feel better emotionally.
16. Gather stories and memories together
Start a collection of thoughts, events, photos, and memories about your loss. If someone has died, there may be an online memorial site you can contribute to – or you may want to set one up (just keep an eye on any fees required for these). Ask people to send you stories, photos, or anecdotes that you can save for later.
17. Remind others that things may be difficult for you
Ideally everyone would remember that you’re going through a terrible time and give you some grace. However, most of us have experienced that this doesn’t always happen. Find some words that sit well with you, that you can use to explain to others that you may find a situation difficult, so you can remind them in a way that is less stressful for you.
For example: “I’m dealing with a lot right now, so I won’t be able to…”, or “Life has been pretty tough lately so I’m not as excited about the holidays as I usually am”.
18. Don’t feel that you need to socialise in the same ways as before
Give yourself permission to skip or minimise social events, or just attend for a short time. Protect your time and energy, especially if you find social events draining or stressful.
19. Keep working on the next step and try to be persistent
This might be the last thing you feel like doing. When we’re grieving, and things are difficult, or people aren’t helpful, we don’t feel like trying again. Maybe you talk to a counsellor who is unhelpful, or a friend who doesn’t understand and says something unkind. Maybe you try a support group and you don’t fit in. Maybe you feel stuck in a decision.
While it is incredibly difficult, please try again. Try a different counsellor, or a different friend. Try a new support group or find a different way to approach your decision. Ideally the first thing we try will work out! But in reality it often doesn’t work this way. Keep trying, and try again even if you don’t feel like it.
20. Rest
Grief is exhausting. Allow yourself to take naps and rest when you need it.
We hope you find these tips for coping with grief helpful on your own journey. Do you have other tips to share? Let us know via emailing team@griefity.com.
