The death anniversary marks the day that a year has passed since a loved one’s death and is one of those days that brings a range of mixed feelings back to the surface.
It doesn’t really matter if it’s been a year or several years; this day can feel just as tough as when the loss first happened.
Many of our members have told us that they dread this day because they’re not sure how they’ll handle the sadness, the memories, or the quiet moments when the loss and loneliness feels all too present.
“I knew it was going to be awful. The only thing I could focus on was how much I wanted to call my mum and tell her about this horrible day that was coming up. She would always know how to make me feel better, or make a plan to get through tough times. The horrible day was her own death anniversary. I was such a mess leading up to it, full of anxiety and constantly on edge.” – Hannah, Canada
Feelings bubble up as the death anniversary approaches
A wide range of feelings can show up as the anniversary approaches. They can be confronting and overwhelming, leaving you feeling confused and exhausted.
Stop and notice how you are feeling, maybe write it down, and acknowledge that this is a difficult time to be going through.
You may notice a combination of:
Anger: This can be directed towards the circumstances of their death, fate, or even at oneself or others for myriad reasons related to the loss.
Anticipation: In the weeks or days leading up to the anniversary, you might experience heightened anxiety or dread. This anticipatory grief can sometimes be as intense as the grief you felt immediately after the loss.
Sadness and nostalgia: Feelings of sadness are expected and normal. You might find yourself reflecting on the memories you shared, which can bring both joy and sorrow.
Relief or guilt: Some may feel relief, especially if the loved one suffered before passing, or guilt for surviving or continuing life without them. These emotions are also normal and part of the complex landscape of grief.
Loneliness: The anniversary might make the absence of your loved one feel even more real, leading to feelings of loneliness or isolation.
Leading up to the date of the death anniversary
Some people prefer to do activities that honour their loved one, like visiting their grave, participating in a meaningful ritual, or doing something they once enjoyed together.
Participating in an activity that commemorates your loved one can give you a constructive outlet for your emotions. This could be as simple as lighting a candle, making their favorite meal, or sharing stories about them with others.
Alternatively, you might choose to make it a quiet day of reflection or even distraction.
Think about what you’d like to do and pencil some things in. Maybe you want to call in sick to work, sleep in, make a coffee, go for a walk. Making a plan for the day can help it to feel less daunting as it approaches.
Plan how you’ll spend the anniversary in a way that feels right to you.
“I planned out the whole day because I couldn’t face this huge empty day without my husband there. I wanted a full schedule to follow so I didn’t have time to get stuck in my feelings and end up feeling lost and lonely. I ended up going for a morning walk, lunch with a friend, then getting a massage in the afternoon and making dinner with the kids, then we watched a movie with popcorn. I needed to keep busy and it did make it easier over all.” – Kate, Australia
Getting through the death anniversary
It’s difficult to anticipate how you might feel on the day, so be prepared to change plans if you need to. Some people mention that the anticipation of the day is worse than the actual day itself, so you may find that the weeks or days leading up to it are harder than the death anniversary date.
Remember to take care of yourself. This might mean going for a walk, watching a favorite movie, or just taking things slow. Grief can be exhausting, and it’s important to be gentle with yourself, especially on days like this.
Don’t be shy about reaching out for support. Chatting with a friend, spending time with family, or even touching base with a support group can make a big difference. It’s okay to say, “Hey, I’m struggling today,” and let those who care about you lend an ear or a shoulder.
If it is difficult to talk about it, writing down your thoughts and feelings can be a great outlet. Write a letter to your loved one about your year, how you’ve felt, and how you miss them. It can be a personal way to feel connected to them.
After the anniversary
Once the day is over, you might feel a sense of relief or a new wave of sadness. Both are perfectly normal. Grief doesn’t follow a neat timeline, and emotions will come and go.
Marking the anniversary of a death is just one part of the grief journey. You may begin to make a plan for next year’s anniversary too.
- Maybe you found that certain things were comforting and you’d like to make sure you do them again.
- Maybe some aspects of the day were not helpful and you’d plan not to repeat them.
- Perhaps you can create a new tradition for yourself to repeat every year to mark this date?
It can be tough, but each year, as you learn more about what helps and what doesn’t, you find new ways to cope and remember your loved one. Hang in there and take it one step at a time.
