If you’re helping someone who is grieving, first of all, thank you! It isn’t easy being a support person, and it isn’t always easy to be there for a friend who is having a difficult time. Especially when it comes to grief – as it isn’t something we can fix or make better for someone else.
In this article, we will explore effective ways to help grieving friends, based on research and empathetic understanding. We aim to enhance your ability to be a compassionate and helpful friend during their grieving process.
Let them express their feelings
Research conducted in Sydney, Australia during the 1970s emphasised the significance of allowing grieving people the space to express their emotions. Instead of trying to fix their grief or divert their attention, our role is to be present and supportive.
By staying away from phrases like “don’t cry” and offering a non-judgmental listening ear, we empower them to share their feelings, providing a much-needed outlet for their grief.
The reality is that you won’t be able to ‘cheer them up’ and this can make supporters feel disappointed in themselves. Please don’t feel this way. Showing up for a grieving person is a wonderful thing to do, and it isn’t your job to take their grief or sadness away.
Provide practical help
We hear from a lot of grieving people that dearly appreciated practical support provided to them by their friends. If you’re the kind of person who wants to take action and help, then picking up a few jobs off their to-do list, or inviting them out can take a huge weight off your friend’s shoulders.
Try to be specific and offer to do a particular thing at a day and time. Something like “I’d love to drop dinner off for you on Tuesday, will that work?” or “You’ve got a lot on your plate right now. Can I walk your dog on the weekend for a couple of weeks?”
We often hear “Let me know if you need anything.” In all honesty, while this is very kind, a grieving person probably doesn’t have the bandwidth to actually make this request. They don’t always know what they need, and are often caught up in an overwhelming list of jobs and exhaustion.
Grief isn’t over quickly
Grief is not a smooth process; it can last for a long time, and take different forms. Try to pop in consistently (maybe once a week or every two weeks), with a message, phone call, or visit.
Acknowledge important milestones, such as birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and family gatherings, as these may be particularly challenging times. Inviting your friend to things and include them in social activities demonstrates your ongoing support and care. Sometimes they won’t want to join in, but this doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate the offer. Keep inviting them!
People experiencing grief are lonely
Grief often leaves individuals feeling isolated and alone. Your role as a supportive friend is to bridge that gap by staying in touch and checking in on their wellbeing from time to time.
Simply reaching out and asking how they are doing today can provide a sense of comfort. You do not need to offer solutions or forced cheerfulness – sometimes you won’t really be able to help them feel ‘better’ at all. The fact that you stick around will be enough. If you can, try to be a compassionate listener and provide a safe space for them to share their thoughts openly.
Be patient with your grieving friend
Grief isn’t something that will get better or go away quickly. Your friend may not seem themselves for a long time. This is totally normal! Encouraging people to move on or feel better can’t make them skip through grief any faster, it might just make them feel worse.
Grieving people often mention how difficult it is to hear from a well-meaning friend that they should ‘move on’ or ‘be feeling better by now’ after only a few weeks or months. It can be tough to be patient with someone when you miss how they used to be and what your friendship was like ‘before’. But the main thing they need now is time and understanding.
Remember, your willingness to listen and be present is an invaluable gift. Even if they don’t acknowledge it at the time, your friend will be able to reflect on your support when they look back.
Helping someone who is grieving can be tough!
This is the time to also look after yourself, and be aware of how you’re feeling about your friend. You may be worried for them, anxious about how they are coping, but also missing the relationship dynamic that you used to share.
Maybe they used to listen to your problems and bring you comfort, and they may not be able to do that for you right now. This can be hard on you too!
Make sure you find some other sources of support for yourself – maybe talking to people outside of the situation can help. Or reminding yourself that these things take a lot of time and patience to get through.
Take a moment to acknowledge the fact that you’re doing your best to be a support person and to be there for your grieving person. You can’t ‘fix’ anything for them, but being there is enough.
For more ideas and advice, read our articles about supporting someone through loss.
