What is disenfranchised grief?

I still remember that Monday, going back to work after Lara passed, because there’s no such thing as bereavement leave for pet loss. I was deeply upset, and when a colleague asked what had happened, I explained that I’d had to put her down (…) Someone nearby responded surprised, “Oh… it was just your dog,” as if her death was somehow less of a loss…

At the time, I didn’t know it, but that comment, which dismissed my pain and implied that grieving a pet isn’t as valid as grieving a person, was an example of what’s called disenfranchised grief (DG). This type of grief occurs when someone experiences a loss that isn’t openly acknowledged, socially supported, or is misunderstood or minimized by others.

But let me tell you something: your grief is real, and it makes complete sense, the bond you shared with your furry friend was deeply meaningful. There’s no scale or hierarchy when it comes to grief, love is love, and loss is loss.

That’s why the very first step in navigating this type of loss is to validate and claim your grief, to give it the space it deserves. Together, we’re going to un-disenfranchise this grief!

Being validating with yourself means acknowledging your thoughts, feelings, and experiences as real, understandable, and acceptable, without judging, minimizing, or dismissing them. It’s an essential part of self-compassion and emotional regulation, especially during hard times.

How can you start?

1. CLAIM YOUR GRIEF by giving yourself full permission to grieve, without guilt or judgment. That might mean crying, talking about them, creating a tribute or writing about your feelings. What would you do if you had full permission to grieve?
   
2. VALIDATE YOUR FEELINGS (especially when others don’t) Instead of saying, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” try saying something kind and compassionate to yourself, such as: “It makes sense that I’m feeling this way, I just lost someone I deeply loved.”

Validation after choosing euthanasia

Making the decision to put your pet to sleep is never easy. And often, once it’s done, doubt and guilt begin to creep in:

• “Did I do the right thing?”
  
• “Should I have waited longer?”
  
• “What if…?”
  

Let me gently remind you of something: choosing to end your pet’s suffering is one of the greatest acts of love and compassion you can offer. You didn’t choose for your furry friend to fall ill or be in pain, but you did choose to spare them further suffering. That, in itself, is a profound expression of love.

You likely made that decision because you cared so deeply, and because watching them suffer became unbearable. Ask yourself: Would your beloved companion have been better off still in pain? Of course not. You gave them peace, and that is love in its purest form.

If you’re feeling conflicted, try this simple self-validation formula:

“It makes sense that I’m feeling… [insert emotion],
because… [insert circumstance or fact].
But… [insert compassionate reframe].”

Example:

“It makes sense that I’m feeling guilty,
because I had to make the heartbreaking decision to put her down.
But I did everything I could, and I chose what was best for her, with love.”

You’re not alone in this, I’ve been there too. I had to make the hard decision to put Lara to sleep, and I still remember exactly how it felt. For me, it was a whirlwind of emotions: sadness, anger, relief that she wasn’t suffering anymore (and that I wasn’t either), and guilt, because even though I wanted her pain to end, I didn’t want to let her go. It was incredibly hard. It truly sucks, and there’s no easy way through it.

That’s why being kind and compassionate with yourself is so important when these thoughts come up. Remind yourself that you gave them the best life you could, full of love and care, and that every decision you made came from that same place of love, a love that will never go away.