Grief isn’t linear

Okay, so far, you’ve claimed and validated  your grief, created a meaningful memorial, and you’re doing your best to adjust your routine. And yet, there are still days when the sadness hits hard. You remember your pet and cry endlessly. You feel terrible, maybe even worse than when you’ve lost someone else.

That’s all completely normal.

Today, I want to talk a bit about how grief unfolds, what to expect, and perhaps more importantly, what not to expect. For example, if you’re hoping to “get over it” in a month and bounce back as if nothing happened… that’s just not realistic.

Let’s start with what to expect about grief:

1. Grief is not a disorder
It is a natural, healthy, and expected emotional response to loss, and it plays a central role in helping us adjust to the new reality.

Personally, I like to think of grief as a flight. Stay with me here: to get from Point A to Point B, you have to board the plane. Along the way, you might experience turbulence, fear, sadness, frustration at the person kicking your seat, longing for the people you left behind, and maybe even joy when they serve your favorite snack.

Grief works the same way, it’s a necessary passage that eventually brings you to a new place.

2. Grief takes time and follows its own path
There’s no set timeline for grief, it lasts as long as it needs to. While symptoms typically ease over six months to two years, each person’s journey is unique.

You might feel pressure (from yourself or others) to “move on,” but grief doesn’t follow a schedule. Over time, the harder days become less frequent, and the lighter ones begin to outnumber them.
Healing is gradual. That’s why being patient, kind, and validating with yourself is essential.

3. Grief is like an emotional roller coaster
The experience comes in waves. You may have a few good days, then suddenly feel overwhelmed again. This isn’t a setback, it’s part of the process.

Emotions often show up unexpectedly and can be complex or even conflicting. Some common emotional responses include:

• Sadness mixed with relief, especially if your pet was suffering
  
• Guilt about feeling relieved. Wondering if you could’ve done something differently.
  
• Anger, feeling irritable or frustrated
  
• Numbness, feeling emotionally flat or disconnected

4. Grief impacts your body and brain
Grieving is a high-stress experience that affects not only your emotions but also your physical health and cognitive functioning. It can strain your immune system and cause physical symptoms such as:

• Fatigue or exhaustion
  
• Headaches or migraines
  
• Nausea or stomach discomfort
  
• Restlessness or agitation
  
• Heart palpitations
  
• Muscle weakness or joint pain
  
• Tightness in the chest or throat
  
• Changes in appetite (eating too much or too little)
  
• Sleep disturbances (insomnia or excessive sleeping)
  

Grief also affects the brain, making it harder to focus, think clearly, or complete everyday tasks. You might experience:

• Confusion or brain fog
  
• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
  
• Forgetfulness and trouble managing responsibilities
  
• Loss of motivation or disinterest in things that once mattered
  
• Feeling disconnected from life or struggling to find purpose
  
• Fixation on the loss, making it difficult to focus on anything else
  

All of these responses are natural as your mind and body work to process the loss and adjust to a new reality.

What not to expect when grieving the loss of your pet

1. Don’t expect everyone to understand
Not everyone recognises the deep bond between people and their pets, especially those who have never had one. You might hear comments like, “It was just a dog” or “Why are you still sad?” While these can feel invalidating or isolating, try not to take them personally. Some people simply don’t understand. Instead, seek support from those who do, and most importantly, show compassion to yourself. Knowing your grief is real and makes sense is what matters most.

2. Don’t expect to “get over it” quickly
Grief has no set timeline. Trying to rush the process often delays real healing. It can take anywhere from six months to two years, or longer to feel better. So don’t pressure yourself to “move on.” Healing is gradual, and that’s okay.

3. Don’t expect your body and mind to stay unaffected
Grief is not just emotional, it’s a high-stress experience that can affect your entire system. You may feel physically unwell, have trouble sleeping, or find it hard to concentrate or stay productive. That’s completely normal. Recognising how grief impacts your whole self can help you respond with greater care and understanding.

Activities

Activity 1: Write a compassion letter to yourself

Take a moment to write a heartfelt letter to yourself, acknowledging the loss of your beloved pet and the grief you’re experiencing. This is a powerful way to practice self-kindness and emotional validation. You may want to include:

• A clear acknowledgment of your pet’s death.
  
• Reflections on how this loss has affected you: emotionally, physically, mentally, and even in your work or social life.
  
• Gentle reminders about the grief expectations we’ve discussed today: that it’s okay to feel deeply, to take your time, and to not “be over it” quickly.
  
• Words of comfort, support, and encouragement from you to you. Let yourself know that you’re doing your best through something incredibly difficult.

Activity 2: Write small notes to yourself

If writing a full letter feels like too much right now, I suggest starting with three simple reminders you can place somewhere visible. Reminders of what? Reminders of the expectations we talked about today, to help guide you through the toughest days.

For example, I wrote two reminders and stuck them on my laptop, where I spend most of my day. They simply said: “It makes sense…” and “2 years.”

The first helped me validate my emotions after Lara passed. I tend to be quite self-critical, so seeing “It makes sense…” reminded me to be kinder to myself when I felt low. The second, “2 years,” gave me permission to feel the depth of my grief without rushing the process. It reminded me that healing takes time.

Now it’s your turn: write two or three gentle reminders about grief and place them where you’ll see them often. Use them as anchors on the harder days.