How to deal with painful or repetitive thoughts

I don’t know about you, but sometimes my mind serves up the most painful thoughts out of nowhere, like a scene from a movie I never asked to watch. One moment I’m fine, and the next, I’m reliving the image of my pet’s final moments or the silence of the house without them. And suddenly, I realize I’m tense, spiraling, stuck in a loop of sadness or guilt. It’s like my brain’s new hobby is replaying hurt on repeat.

If you’ve experienced this, you’re not alone, and there’s a tool that can help: cognitive defusion.

Cognitive defusion is a technique that helps you step back from those thoughts, creating distance so they lose their grip. It creates some healthy distance between you and your thoughts. It doesn’t try to erase them, it helps you unhook from them so they don’t have so much power over your emotional state. It can make thoughts feel less overwhelming, less intrusive, and ultimately, more manageable.

Because here’s the thing; it’s often not what we think, but how we relate to our thoughts that makes the difference.

We all have hundreds of thoughts every day, random, emotional, contradictory, or irrational. That thought that says, “I should have done more”, it’s just a thought. And thoughts are not facts. They’re mental events that come and go, unless we feed them attention. The more attention you give to a painful thought, the more space it takes up in your mind.

How to practice cognitive defusion

Step 1: Notice the thought
Pause and observe the repetitive thought as if it were a scene playing in front of you.
Don’t judge or analyze it,  just notice it.
Personally, I imagine myself sitting in a cinema, watching that painful mental movie unfold on a screen. It might be our last goodbye, or a memory I wish had done differently.

Step 2: Name the thought
Give the thought (or movie) a title by saying:
“I notice the thought ‘I let them down’ has appeared in my mind,”
Or “Oh, here’s that movie again: ‘The Guilt Loop.’”
Naming the thought helps reduce its power, it’s just one mental event among many.

Step 3: Take a deep breath and soften
As the thought plays, take a deep breath.
Soften your face, unclench your jaw, drop your shoulders.
Sometimes I quietly say to myself, “Here we go again.” It helps me stay grounded as I face the thought without getting swept away by it.

Step 4: Pause the movie
Now imagine you have a remote control, and press pause.
Try adjusting the “movie”: turn the volume down, slow it down, play it in fast-forward, or add circus music or a silly narrator. You can even turn it black-and-white.
Yes, it may feel awkward, but the point is to shift your perspective and reduce the emotional intensity.

Step 5: Shift to a different thought
Bring to mind a moment when you thought something different, perhaps a time you were grateful, or at peace. This reminds you that your mind is capable of shifting, and that thoughts come and go.

This practice won’t erase your painful thoughts, and that’s not the goal.
But it will help make them more manageable and less overwhelming, making space for healing, rather than staying stuck in painful loops that only deepen suffering.