Getting stuck: complicated or unhealthy grief

As we wrap up this mini course, I want to focus on an important topic: recognising when grief becomes too heavy to carry alone, and knowing when it’s time to seek professional support.

If you’ve made it this far, you likely already have some important tools in your hands. You’ve learned how to work with painful thoughts, regulate intense emotions, grieve in connection with others (yes, I know, probably the hardest one), reshape your routine as time goes on, and give your grief the recognition it deserves.

Today, we’ll explore what unhealthy grief looks like,  but to understand that, we need to first be extra clear on what healthy grieving actually is.

Grief is a normal and natural response to loss. Its purpose is to help us process what we’ve lost, allow space for the pain, and slowly integrate that absence into our everyday lives. It’s not about “getting over it,” but rather learning how to live with it. Grieving is a key part of emotional healing, helping us adapt to a new reality and eventually move forward.

As Doug Manning beautifully puts it:

“Grieving is as natural as crying when you are hurt, sleeping when you are tired, eating when you are hungry, or sneezing when your nose itches. It’s nature’s way of healing a broken heart. Don’t let anyone take your grief away from you. You deserve it and must have it. If you had major surgery, no one would pressure you to run a marathon the next week. Grief is a major wound. It doesn’t heal overnight.”

Signs of healthy grieving

Grief looks different for everyone, but there are many common experiences that are considered part of a healthy grieving process. These may include:

• Decreased socialization or withdrawal
  
• Loss of joy or emotional numbness
  
• Moments of seeing or hearing the person who has passed
  
• Struggling with memory, focus, or decision-making
  
• Mood swings, irritability, or feeling overwhelmed
  
• Fatigue, low energy, or feeling like life has lost its meaning
  
• Feelings of fear, guilt, regret, resentment, even relief
  

All of these responses are part of how the mind and body process a significant emotional event.

What is unhealthy grieving?

Unhealthy grieving, as a general rule, is any form of grief that prolongs emotional suffering over time, often because the grieving process is absent, delayed, or prolonged in an unprocessed way.

For most people, the intensity of grief gradually softens with time. However, for a small percentage (around 7–10%), grief remains persistent and interferes with daily life and functioning. This is often referred to as complicated grief, which can become emotionally disabling and prevent individuals from moving forward.

Common types of unhealthy grieving:

Absent grief

This occurs when grief is suppressed or avoided altogether. A person experiencing absent grief may feel no noticeable difference after the loss and may avoid sadness, even in private. Denying the reality of the loss as an ongoing coping strategy can hinder emotional healing and disconnect the person from their feelings.

Delayed grief

Delayed grief happens when someone puts aside their emotional response to deal with it “later”, often due to practical responsibilities or emotional overwhelm. However, unprocessed grief often resurfaces unexpectedly, sometimes through intense emotional outbursts or physical symptoms. Avoidance may seem helpful in the short term, but it blocks the natural process of emotional integration.

I’ll be honest: I’ve been part of this group.

Yes, I’m a psychologist who specializes in grief, and I’ve experienced delayed grief myself. I know, the irony isn’t lost on me. But in many ways, this is why I became a grief specialist in the first place.

Throughout my life, I’ve faced many types of loss,  the passing of all my grandparents, the death of two deeply loved pets (one was the dog of my childhood, the other was Lara, whom I raised like a baby), and the end of meaningful relationships,  friends I never saw again, breakups that shaped me. Then came the profound experience of migratory grief when I moved from Latin America to New Zealand in 2014.

There were times I just went into survival mode. The pain was too much to process, and life was too busy to slow down, so I buried the grief. I pushed through, thinking I was coping. But the grief always found its way back. I started seeing the person I’d lost in random strangers on the street. I’d be driving or in the shower, and suddenly a memory would hit, and I’d burst into tears. I didn’t want to admit it at the time, but I was stuck. I was functioning (sort of), but my heart wasn’t moving forward. It was frozen in pain I hadn’t yet dared to face.

Eventually, I began talking, first to a friend, then to a therapist. And slowly, within a few months, something shifted. I began to process what I had avoided for so long. The weight started to lift.

So yes, even as a psychologist who knows the tools, I still needed help. Looking back, I realize that understanding what unhealthy grieving looked like would have helped me immensely at the time. I hope that by sharing this, it helps you too.

Prolonged grief

Prolonged grief is an exaggerated, persistent response to a loss that does not ease with time. The person may feel emotionally stuck, unable to move forward, even years after the loss. It’s not about “letting go” in a simplistic way, but about remaining trapped in a level of pain that prevents healing, growth, or re-engagement with life.

When to reach out for support

Grief is deeply personal, and there’s no “right” timeline. However, if your symptoms remain intense after a year, or if you feel like you’re stuck, struggling to function, or overwhelmed by sadness, it may be time to seek help.

Effective, evidence-based treatments are available. For example:

• Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) has shown positive results in treating prolonged or complicated grief.
  
• Grief support groups can offer connection, understanding, and a safe space to share.
  

Grief counselling and community resources can provide meaningful relief.