We often hear about the Five Stages of grief as a model for understanding the different feelings that may arise.
The Five Stages of Grief were introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross as a way to describe common emotional responses to loss. These stages include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
The model was originally developed to describe the emotions of people facing their own terminal illness, not necessarily those grieving a loss. Over time, they’ve been widely applied to all kinds of grief, but they don’t capture the full picture for everyone.
Some people never experience bargaining, others may feel a constant mix of emotions rather than distinct “stages,” and some might not recognise their grief at all until much later.
One of the biggest misconceptions about the five stages is that they happen in order, as if grief is a checklist to complete.
In reality, grief is messy. It doesn’t always follow predictable patterns, and emotions don’t arrive in neat, separate phases. Some people feel anger right away, while others never feel it at all. Some experience waves of sadness and moments of relief at the same time.
What should I expect to go through during grief?
The stages/emotions you might experience include:
Denial
In the initial days and weeks following a loss, it’s common to feel emotionally numb. Some individuals may even continue with their daily routines as if nothing significant has occurred.
Denial serves as a protective mechanism, shielding us from the immense pain that accompanies loss. As we gradually come to terms with the reality of our situation, we are simultaneously coping with deep emotional distress.
At this stage of grief, our world has been immeasurably altered, and our minds need time to adapt.
The process of adjusting to this new reality can be overwhelming, filled with painful memories and emotions. Denial helps slow down this adjustment, allowing us to absorb the changes in a more manageable way, step by step.
Anger
Experiencing loss of any kind can seem incredibly unfair, and as you struggle to understand a new reality filled with emotional discomfort, feelings of anger are a natural response.
Often, anger is the first emotion that emerges when we begin to express the pain of loss. This can lead to a sense of isolation, making it feel as though no one truly understands our experience. It may also create a barrier between us and those who want to offer support, at a time when connection, reassurance, and comfort are most needed.
Bargaining
Bargaining happens when we feel completely powerless and are looking for a way to regain some control over a situation that feels totally out of our hands.
When we’re hurting, it’s tough to accept that there’s nothing we can do to change what’s happened. So, we start making deals, maybe with ourselves, maybe with a higher power, hoping that if we do something differently, the pain will ease. It’s like we’re trying to find a way out of the hurt, believing that if we act a certain way, things might somehow get better.
It’s also really common to replay past events over and over, asking “what if” and wishing we could go back and change things. We imagine different choices leading to different outcomes, hoping that maybe, just maybe, things could have turned out another way.
Depression
At this point, reality starts to sink in. Bargaining fades away, and we’re left facing the truth of what’s happened.
This is when the weight of loss really hits. The emotional fog lifts, and suddenly, the absence feels more real than ever. It’s no longer something we can push aside, it’s right there, unavoidable.
During this stage, it’s common to withdraw from others. We might not feel like socialising or opening up about what we’re going through. Even though this is a natural part of grieving, it can feel incredibly lonely, making it one of the toughest stages to go through.
The sadness can be overwhelming, coming in waves that last for months or even years. It can make everything feel empty, like life has lost its meaning.
Acceptance
Reaching acceptance doesn’t mean the pain disappears. It just means we stop fighting reality, we’re no longer trying to change what can’t be changed.
Even in this stage, feelings like sadness and regret can still linger. But the constant battle of denial, bargaining, and anger starts to fade, making room for a new kind of understanding.
Over time, the pain becomes more manageable. We may never fully “move on” from the loss, but we learn how to carry it with us and keep going. Life doesn’t go back to the way it was, but we find a way to live with what’s happened.
A cycle of grief, rather than stages
While you may experience some or all of the above, they won’t be in any kind of order, and they may show up at the same time. Grief isn’t a straight path, it’s more like a tangled web.
The idea of neatly progressing from denial to anger, then bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance might seem logical, but in reality, grief doesn’t work that way. You might feel acceptance one day, only to be hit with a wave of anger the next. Or you might think you’ve moved past bargaining, only to find yourself revisiting the “what ifs” months later.
Grief is cyclical, not linear. It can loop back on itself, catch you off guard, and resurface in unexpected ways. Some days, you may feel like you’re coping well, and then suddenly, a song, a scent, or an anniversary pulls you right back into the depths of sorrow.
This unpredictability can be frustrating and many people assume that once they’ve reached a certain stage, they won’t have to revisit it. But grief doesn’t follow a schedule. It ebbs and flows, shifting over time but never fully disappearing. Instead of trying to “finish” grief, the goal is to learn how to work through its cycles, allowing yourself the space to feel what comes up without judgment.
How long do these stages of grief last?
There’s no rulebook for grief. Some people start to feel better in a few weeks, while for others, it can take months or years. There’s no right or wrong way to go through it, whatever pace feels natural for you is completely okay.
Grief is as personal as your own life and relationships. Try not to pressure yourself to “move on” or stick to some invisible timeline. Try to ignore it if people around you are pushing you to “feel better” or “get back to normal”. Give yourself the time and space you need to process everything in your own way.
That said, if your grief starts making everyday life feel impossible for a long time, talking to a professional can really help.
Wherever you are in your journey, Griefity is here to support you. Our resources can help you understand the cycle of grief, self-acceptance, and processing your thoughts and feelings at difficult times.
Alex Murray
Alex Murray is a clinical psychologist with specialized training in CBT for anxiety and depression and DBT for emotional regulation. With an entrepreneurial spirit, she is passionate about making complex mental health concepts accessible through engaging articles and innovative products. Based in Auckland, New Zealand, she enjoys life with her husband, daughter, and two cats.
