When we’re dealing with a huge life change life grief and bereavement, ideally we’d all have someone trusted and helpful to talk to. Grief advice often includes things like “Talk to a trusted friend”.
Unfortunately, we don’t always have people we can turn to, to talk about what we’re going through.
Friends may not understand, and not be helpful. They may change the subject or not ask any questions. They may tell you that everything will be fine, or that you should have moved on by now. Maybe they have even ghosted you?
Sometimes you don’t want to burden others with your grief and your feelings. You might feel that they already have enough on their plate, or maybe they are grieving too and you don’t want to add to that. Maybe they’ve acted in ways that make you feel even more alone.
Grieving when you don’t have anyone to talk to
If you don’t have a trusted person to talk to about your grief, there are still many things you can do to process your thoughts and feelings.
Feeling alone in your grief doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. It is unfortunate that you are in a situation where you feel unsupported. It is unfortunate to have to seek out your own support or find alternatives, but there are lots of great options still available to you.
Sometimes you will also need to grieve or process the fact that you are unsupported. Make sure you acknowledge this feeling as part of your grief experience.
Here are some strategies that people in our community have found to be useful:
Write about your experience of grief
One of the things that talking helps us to do is to get the ideas, thoughts and feelings out of our brain. Writing these things down is a useful way to get our thoughts “out of your head” and onto paper. There are several techniques that you might like to try:
Write a letter – write it to the person you’ve lost, or to someone you wished was more supportive, or to your future self. You might not want to keep these letters, or even read them again. The important part of the process is getting the words down on paper.
Write Morning Pages – this is a technique from the book “The Artist’s Way”. It involves writing a stream of consciousness for 30 minutes every morning. It doesn’t need to be structured, accurate or make sense. Just write down whatever springs into your mind and keep it up for 30 minutes. Do this each day at the same time (the book recommends mornings). Again, this writing is not intended to be read or shared. Some people delete or discard the pages of writing immediately.
Write a journal – record how you’re feeling each day. What did you struggle with? What went well? What are you going to try tomorrow? Keeping a journal is a great way to process your thoughts and make daily progress through your emotions.
Talk about your feelings of grief out loud
Say it out loud – even if no one else is around, say how you’re feeling out loud. Talk to a pet, or to yourself. Say all those things that are on your mind. They don’t need to make sense – no one is listening. Just get the words out and explain your thoughts.
Talk to the person you’ve lost – find a quiet spot and start talking to the person you’ve lost. What do you want to tell them? What do you wish you could talk to them about? Tell them how you’re feeling and what you hope will happen next.
Talk to a professional or a support group – if you feel like talking to someone else in person, find a therapist or a support group where you feel safe to talk. If you don’t feel like it is a good fit, look for another one until you find a place where you can express yourself.
Call a helpline or hotline – there are a large number of helplines available all over the globe, staffed by people who are trained and waiting to talk with you.
Find a helpline has a global directory of helplines and hotlines that can provide immediate support and advice.
Treat yourself like you’d treat a grieving friend
Do things that make you happy – find activities that you enjoy and that make you feel good. Doing things that you enjoy can help you to take your mind off of your grief and to feel better emotionally. Have a little treat, go for a walk to a favourite place, or cook your favourite meal.
Take things off your to-do list – you are dealing with a lot right now. Try to intentionally take pressure off yourself by removing things from your to-do list. Some things just don’t need to be done. Cross them out. Some things can be delegated or delayed. Note these down and ask people to do a few jobs for you.
Give yourself permission to rest and retreat – if there are tasks or events, or even people that you don’t feel up to dealing with, just take a little break. It is fine to decline or delay events or replies so you can take time for yourself. Practice saying or writing “I’ll get back to you later”, or “I’ll think about it”, or other ways of gently declining to take part in activities that you will find draining. It won’t be like this forever, but for now you must give yourself some space. Take a nap, sleep in, or have a lazy afternoon doing things that bring you comfort.
We don’t always have people to talk to
Remember that most grief advice out there assumes you have a close support network of friends and family that are all at the ready to help you. Sometimes this is the case but often not reality for everyone.
Recognise this, and recognise where other people’s actions and words are not helpful to you. Many of us have experienced not having good people to talk to during grief and bereavement. This doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you, just that you have a specific situation that you need to approach in a different way. Take some of these steps to help process your grief and loss in your own time, without relying on others.
I hope this helps you to process your grief, and make a difficult time a little easier.
