Anticipatory grief is one of those things that people don’t always talk about, but it can be a huge emotional rollercoaster.
So, let’s talk about anticipatory grief. It’s this sneaky kind of grief that shows up before the actual loss.
It’s when you’re grieving something that hasn’t happened yet but you know it’s coming, like when a loved one is seriously ill or when a big life change is on the horizon.
What kinds of scenarios might create anticipatory grief?
For example, if you’re caring for someone with dementia, it’s not just the big loss at the end that we worry will hurt. It’s every little goodbye you say along the way. Maybe it’s watching them forget things that were once so important to them, or seeing them physically decline bit by bit. You’re grieving who they used to be, even though they’re still with you.
Another example? When a relationship is ending, even if you haven’t officially split yet, you can feel that sense of loss creeping in. Maybe you’re still living together, but emotionally, you’ve already started saying goodbye. Every argument, every silent dinner, feels like another step closer to the end, and it’s exhausting.
And don’t forget about pet owners. If you know your furry friend is nearing the end of their life, every little thing they do hits hard. Whether it’s struggling to climb the stairs or curling up for what feels like a final cuddle. You start thinking about, and grieving the loss before it even happens.
What does anticipatory grief feel like?
In a way, anticipatory grief feels like you’re grieving twice: first when you notice that there may be a loss coming, and then again when it actually happens.
It’s tough because there’s no clear end point, no closure in sight, just this heavy weight you carry while trying to live in the moment.
Imagine you can see a storm brewing in the distance. You know it’s going to hit, and even though it hasn’t yet, you’re already feeling the wind and rain in your heart. That’s anticipatory grief.
You start grieving the loss before it actually happens, and it can be super confusing because part of you is still holding onto hope, and trying to get through the day, while another part is already bracing for the impact.
“When my dad had dementia, it was just heartbreaking. I felt so guilty for feeling sad about how he had changed. He was still with us but I wanted my ‘old’ dad back and I wanted our relationship to be as it was. He was so unwell, and his personality had changed so much. I felt like I had lost him long before he passed away.” – Amanda, United Kingdom
Feelings of guilt in anticipatory loss
The tricky part? You might feel guilty for grieving something that hasn’t technically happened yet. Like, “Am I allowed to feel this sad right now? Nothing is really wrong (yet).”
Then there’s the guilt over the little things, like if you’re not spending enough time with them, or if you’re too tired or emotionally drained to be there in the way you think you “should” be. Sometimes you might even feel guilty for having good moments, like if you catch yourself laughing or enjoying life while you’re supposed to be preparing for a loss.
But the truth is, these feelings are totally valid. It’s your heart’s way of trying to prepare you, even if it feels like you’re living in two emotional worlds at once. In one world everything is okay and in the other you’re already mourning.
Feelings of isolation
Anticipatory loss can also feel extremely isolating because others might not understand why you’re feeling the way you are.
People might assume, “Oh, they’re still here, so why are you so sad?” And it’s frustrating because they don’t see what you’re going through. You’re in the middle of the emotional rollercoaster, the little goodbyes, the mental prep for what’s to come. It can make you feel really alone, like you’re grieving in secret.
Sometimes, you don’t even want to talk about it because you’re afraid of sounding dramatic or like you’re mourning too early. So, you keep it to yourself, and that just deepens the loneliness.
Plus, there’s the added layer of feeling disconnected from the person you’re grieving. Maybe they’ve changed because of illness or distance, and it’s like you’re grieving their presence even though they’re still physically there.
It’s tough, and that sense of isolation can make everything feel so much heavier. But you’re not alone in feeling this way. Isolation is a real part of anticipatory grief that many people experience but don’t always talk about.
Making space for grief
So, if you’re going through this, just know it’s completely normal to feel all over the place.
One minute you’re holding it together, the next you’re breaking down. You’re allowed to grieve in whatever way feels right to you, even if it’s in anticipation of what’s to come.
And most importantly, be kind to yourself. This is tough stuff, and you’re doing the best you can.
