Have you ever felt sad about something but felt like you shouldn’t be as upset, or that others might not understand why you’re grieving? That’s what we call disenfranchised grief.
It’s the kind of grief that doesn’t get the usual support or acknowledgment because it doesn’t fit into the typical boxes society understands. Let’s dive into what it looks like and some common examples you might relate to.
What is disenfranchised grief?
Disenfranchised grief happens when your feelings of loss are minimised, or when you’re afraid they won’t be recognised by your peer group or the wider community.
Disenfranchised grief arises from losses that society often overlooks or minimizes. Often, these losses don’t fit the traditional mold of bereavement. It can come from experiences like losing a pet, the end of a friendship, infertility, or even mourning someone who is still alive, such as in dementia. Because these losses aren’t always seen as “big enough” or “valid enough” compared to the death of a close family member, people grieving them may struggle to receive the same level of understanding or support.
This can make the grieving process much lonelier and harder because it feels like you’re not “supposed” to be grieving, or that you have to hide your feelings.
But grief shouldn’t be measured by how socially acceptable it is: if it matters to you, it matters.
When do we experience disenfranchised grief?
Our members have told us about different types of disenfranchised grief:
Miscarriage or infertility
Struggling with miscarriage or infertility involves intense grief, which is often suffered in silence. People might not talk about it either because it’s uncomfortable or they don’t realize how profound the loss is.
Loss from a breakup
Especially if you weren’t married or the relationship was short-lived, others might dismiss your grief. But the end of any significant relationship, no matter its label or length, can cause deep sorrow that deserves recognition.
Loss of a pet
Losing a pet can hit you like losing a family member. However, not everyone understands this bond, and they might say unhelpful things like “it was just a pet” or “you can always get another one,” which only makes the pain sharper because it feels like your loss isn’t seen as “valid.”
Read our resources about pet loss grief.
Illness or disability
Individuals who experience chronic illness or disability can face ongoing, unrecognised grief. This grief may stem from the loss of certain abilities, independence, impact on future plans and opportunities, or the way they are perceived by society.
Retirement
This is a big transition that can lead to grief over lost routines, identity tied to a profession, or missing daily interactions with colleagues. Yet, it’s often waved off with celebrations that might feel bittersweet.
Why does disenfranchised grief happen?
When your grief isn’t openly acknowledged or validated by others, it might feel as though you’re not “supposed” to be grieving.
Feeling that something isn’t ‘worthy’ of grief, or won’t be understood in your social circles can lead you to suppress your emotions, increasing feelings of isolation and misunderstanding.
The sense that you need to hide your grief can prevent you from seeking or receiving the support you need, or fully being able to process your feelings.
If you’re not able to make space for your grief, it can intensify the grieving process, making it feel lonelier and more challenging.
Making space for grief
First of all, acknowledge that your feelings of grief are entirely valid, regardless of the circumstances.
Whether or not those around you understand the depth of your loss, what you’re experiencing deserves attention and care.
You are entitled to your feelings and to seek out support that acknowledges and respects them. Every loss is significant if it affects you deeply.
Moving forward with disenfranchised grief involves finding safe spaces and supportive people or groups who acknowledge the validity of your loss.
Talking with counselors, support groups, or online communities where your feelings can be expressed and validated may also help reduce the sense of isolation.
Self care when grief is difficult to share
- Acknowledge your feelings: First and foremost, it’s important to recognise your own feelings and understand that it’s okay to grieve. You don’t need anyone else’s permission to feel sad about something that was important to you.
- Find supportive people and communities: Look for support groups or forums, maybe even online, where you can connect with others who have experienced similar losses. Knowing you’re not alone can be incredibly comforting.
- Express yourself: Whether it’s through journaling, art, or talking with friends who understand, expressing what you’re going through can help you process your emotions.
- Seek expert help: Sometimes talking to a therapist or counselor who is trained to understand different types of grief can provide the support you need to navigate your feelings.
Disenfranchised grief might not be widely recognised, but it’s real and valid. It’s okay to seek help and find ways to cope, even if your grief doesn’t seem to have a clear path through it.
Remember, your loss is significant, and how you feel about it matters. You deserve to make space for it, and have the time to work through it.
If your grief is difficult to discuss with others, join us over on the Griefity app. It is a supportive space, where you can share your story and learn about coping strategies to get through the difficult times.
